Wanna make me feel stupid? Try being creative for once.

I hate it when people say the word "douchebag". I'm not saying it's a bad word. I even used it before it became the panacea for everyone who's mad at life and can't think of a creative way to express their feelings and is too lazy to actually try and fix their problems. I agree that there needs to be an insult for pretentious people who constantly embarrass themselves by trying to show off to the rest of the universe how cool they are.

What I don't agree with is when people get lazy and start labeling everyone they have a problem with as a "douchebag" when words like asshole, bitch, or jerk would be much more accurate. For example, there's this girl I work with. We'll call her Erin, because that's her real name. In the year and a half I've worked with her, I have yet to see a day go by when she hasn't been angry at life. I'm not implying that I'm always happy, but that few people are as good at hating life as she is. For the longest time, all she could do was mope about how miserable life was, unable to properly articulate her feelings.

Then, some months back, she learned a new word. It's gotten to the point that, in the 30 or 40 minutes between when I get to work and when my first class starts, I hear "douchebag" applied vaguely to at least 5 people. I know you're going to ask why I listen. I don't. I generally try to avoid her, and not just because I'm afraid her fat ass will mistake me for a twinkie. Unfortunately, I share a classroom-sized space with her and half a dozen teachers who call it an office, and she whines so loudly I'm pretty sure you could hear her from space. So in the interest of helping those of you out there who are having trouble learning your own language, I've compiled a list of some insults. I've even given brief definitions so you know when to apply them.

asshole-Someone who enjoy screwing other people over.

bitch-Woman who enjoys being angry at everything.

whore-Having grown far beyond it's dictionary definition ( a woman who sleeps with men for money ), whore can now be applied to any woman with loose pants. If you're tired of using this word, skank and slut have acquired almost the same meaning.

cheater-1) A person who is unfaithful to his/her significant other. 2) A person who breaks established rules to acquire an unfair advantage over opponents in business, sports, on tests, or in anything else involving competition. 3) The guy who just owned you.

pussy-This is another word that's grown far beyond it's original meaning ( that of the female reproductive organs ) to mean anyone who runs away from conflict, responsibility, or anything else harder than sitting around all day. Generally, it implies fear of others, and a tendency to run faster than Usain Bolt.

dumbass-Someone incapable of intelligent thought. If dumbass gets old, try retard, idiot, moron, fucking idiot ( for the wordy ), or even, if you're feeling smart, imbecile.

evil-A fan of the Pittsburgh Steelers.

If you weren't too lazy to read all of this, then you might find this helpful. Bear in mind that this is by no means a comprehensive list of all the insults that you, and should be using to belittle others. Think of this as a freshman core class on how to verbally lift yourself up by cutting others down to size. And remember, the English language is always growing and developing. Don't be afraid to coin new insults. No matter how stupid your ideas are ( and, let's face it, if this list helped you, they will be stupid ), it still beats calling the McDonald's manager that says they're closed a douchebag.